More Late Nights with Ezzie Dryar (21. Hung up)

THE HANGED MAN. Redemption through sacrifice, enforced sacrifice, punishment, loss, suffering, defeat, failure, death.

No I haven’t died, but I’ve been confused ever since I drew that card two days ago. I wasn’t sure how it applied to me. I am now.

I would sleep with Marcel, if he wanted to.

There. I said it.

But I’m not allowed … and he, of course, is hen-pecked … err, married.

Max is gone off the face of the hearth … Earth. He has made no attempt to contact me, since before the first blackout. Allen … yes, him finally … sent me an email. He’s been having … thoughts … and I don’t blame him. It was a short email. He doesn’t understand me. He …

Sorry. I must stop there. I screwed up. I should pay the price. (More sighing.)

Do I love you, Allen? Do I know what love is?

Hardly.

Christa is still here. We went to therapy today … retail therapy, since I go back to rehearsing tomorrow. I wish she didn’t have to go back soon. I have so much wisdom to impart to her … NOT!

  1. Never fall in love if you don’t know the meaning of the word.
  2. Never allow yourself to be possessed by an evil spirit.
  3. Don’t sleep with trumpet players. (She already blew that one.)
  4. If you can’t be funny, stop trying.
  5. If you can’t stop thinking about sex, think about sex.

The last is my favorite. I think about sex all the time. It’s more than a habit or an addition now. It’s a routine, and horrible when I’m not allowed to sleep with anyone. Of course, before Max it had been a year or so … OK, 412 days, 4 hours and 43 minutes …

I’m not good at celibacy before marriage. Did Allen ever propose? No.

Case closed. I’m not the marrying type, and he knew that. Did he also know that I couldn’t live without sex? Apparently not.

*deep sigh*

Just to follow up on a few things, I haven’t had any visits from the police or the feds. There have been no unexplained disappearances, and Marcel won’t tell me about any of the occurrences during my blackouts. (I must have done something absolutely stupid.)

I’ve got to move on, and not think about him (Allen) … or it (my possession) … or sex …

Wait a minute. Not that.

Christa’s baby wants a feed, and my udders aren’t up to the task. I don’t want her peering over my shoulder tonight, while I’m wallowing in self-pity.

Time to cry myself to sleep.

Late Nights with Ezzie Dryar (3. Unbalanced)

I’m going to have to get used to it. I spent another hour on the floor … on Skype with Max tonight. He poked me, and I couldn’t resist. I thought maybe that it was his turn. I was wrong. It was more of the same, except that he kept wanting more – deeper, louder, wetter. How could he tell? I don’t know, but I found myself trying to tease … please him any way I could.

He liked my newly-found … err, newly-blonde hair. In yesterday’s replay … foreplay, he admitted that he preferred blondes, so after this morning’s rehearsal, I dyed my hair. (I had the afternoon off, since I wasn’t playing that concert.) I thought a change might be nice.

Now I’m tempted to cut it all off, or most of it, but that’s a big step that I’m not ready to take.

Today’s card:
VIII. Adjustment. (inverted) Balance, adjustment, holding off while waiting for a decision.
Yes, I think Allen knows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he kept a toe … leg …. eye on my old blog, just in case it sprang to life. He knows how I am prone to dance … lance …. pant … rrr … rrrr … rant … when I get bored or lonely, and right now I’m both, and I’m SO out of balance.

Not to mention as horny as hell. My Skyping with Max just makes it worse.

Strapless

she had everything I wanted
most of all his notice
I saw him watching
like he used to watch me
when I was her age

perfect arse in her black Levis
full red lips with no make up
… that was my trick

one more button loose
showing off what I never had
his eyes followed them as she passed
and he doesn’t even go for breasts
or maybe just not my paltry pair

she sat tuning her viola
right in front of him
… I was occupied elsewhere

I remember when that was my seat
now, I couldn’t be further away
damn European orchestras
I’ll take an American band any day
just to be where I belong

he liked to watch my back
sultry nights in the pit
… when I went strapless

he was mine then
had his total attention
now he window shops
blond hair, blue eyes
twenty, could be his daughter

our daughter, if I’d had my way
look, but don’t touch
… touch me instead

I know he looks still
but not like that
damn drooling bugger
where did I go wrong?
we’re ancient history

ancient, yes, a passing fancy, she
too old for that babe, I remind him,
… not in so many words

she’s there now
but I still hold the cards
he knows where to find me
all I have to do is turn around
I wore my strapless tonight