Dare I, or dare not?
Live to touch or touch to live?
Must I? Yes, I must.
Jem phoned me today. She said that she was happy to have me back to my old self.
But am I?
I’ve never been the happy-go-lucky sort, and I’ll probably hit bottom tomorrow, after Christa leaves, but I’m not myself. The are black spots … no, bite-marks on my soul where Ms Ball tried to smite me. Should I go to church and make a confession? I can just hear it now:
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 35 years since my last conversation … um confession.
Fr Daniel: I’m glad to see you back. What may I do for you?
Me: I was possessed by an evil spirit and did lewd and lascivious things. I’ve been cured of that by my witch friends, but there is still a mark on my soul. Am I doomed? Oh, and while I was possessed I fornicated with loads of men and ate their souls … I think … I couldn’t remember any of it when it was all over. I would guess that I dreamt it, except for … well … I lost several days, and my friends refuse to tell me what happened. I was naked a lot. I’m sure of that.
At that point, I could imagine the bell … book … candle … err, cloth screen fluttering as he made a big sign-of-the-cross … err, sigh … well maybe both. Why the screen? I’m a little old-fashioned, and couldn’t stomach the pasta … um, prospect of seeing the look on his face. You should be impressed that I knew his game … name. (I didn’t just make it up.)
What would he say next? Would he send me away for consorting with witches? Should I have told him about my use of tarot?
Too many questions. If he didn’t send me away, I’m sure I would still be saying Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers until I dropped. Little good it would do. I’m lost.
Is that my hair … despair? Your faith will save you my dear.
Maybe that’s my problem. What is my faith? I believe in a God (Goddess, actually) that watches over us … well neither a God or Goddess, but a profound presence that may or may not judge us by our works … certainly not by our faith. Would a last second conversion save me? Depends on which passages of the bible you refer to. It isn’t really clear, by my interpretation. Yes, I’ve read it all (not just heard it read at Mass), and studied enough of it to know that it is contradictory. (I was a nun in a past life, too!) Okay, I do believe in reincarnation. (It’s has to do with the preservation of energy.)
Sorry, I didn’t mean to go all escapist … estrogen … err, eschatological on you there. I do that when I’m down and self-absorbed.
Yes, today was all about my “self.” I drew the PRINCESS of WANDS, the card (if you remember) Jem uses to refer to me. She can be superficial, false, shallow, cruel, or faithless, if ill-dignified. (I’m not very dignified.)
The best thing about today was that the Strauss was awesome!
Ever since I finished the first draft of Late Nights, I’ve been completely barren, unable to write a single word of anything. I’ve finished things before, but I’ve never felt so completely down afterwards. I should be diving right back into the fray with The Cult of Hahn, S-69 Lost, or even Out of the Frying Pan.
Either that or I should be editing. There are certain things happening in my personal life which seem to have sapped my creative energy for now, but I’ll be back … and I’ll keep you informed.
Ta for now.